girl with kaleidoscope eyes

“someday you will be loved.”

so here’s the thing. i had an amazing weekend. there were parts that sucked, but overall, it was pretty damn lovely. i have great best friends, a great boyfriend, and a cool family. it was nice outside, i got prom all sorted out, i listened to shittons of death cab, i wrote, i had tons of easygoing and lazy fun, and i saw the kooks (again!). i feel like i haven’t been to school in weeks, and that’s just fine with me. if my summer feels like this, full of friends and good weather and fun and relaxation, i will be in the best place in the world, i just know it. even with such big changes looming over my head. the majority of this weekend was the best i’ve felt in awhile. and i have so much to look forward to all of a sudden: my pool opening, great escape trip, prom, afterprom (my god, that will be wonderful), graduation, california…

but that nagging feeling is still there, of course, and obviously it peaked last night. late last night was, in a word, awful. but you know what? i’m pretty sure i was laughing by the end of it. i’m pretty sure we both started to feel normal again. so maybe late last night’s situation had to happen to make us feel a little better. because i do feel a little better. not perfect, but just better enough to be able to set it aside for a little while. because i’d felt like i’d been fading for the past couple of weeks (and i know that’s vague, but “fading” is the only accurate word i can think of). for some reason, falling apart makes me feel more real sometimes. it brings me back. suddenly, i wasn’t fading anymore. suddenly, i could feel something. maybe that something was hurt or sadness, but it was there and i was aware of it… i have always been able to feel pain in a way that i can’t feel anything else. it’s not stronger or weaker; rather, it’s on a completely different level than other feelings. i can sense others’ pain, and i can be shaken badly by my own. so yes, it was sad, but i think it was supposed to be sad. 

and that other thing just hit me like a ton of bricks. man, that brings me back.

totally mindfucked.

i’m so glad i wrote it all down. i can’t wait to read it tomorrow. should be interesting. although i’m pretty sure i managed to totally humiliate myself. i have a feeling tomorrow will be when i really regret letting you read what i was thinking. because i don’t feel the same about much of that now.

on another note (since you say that this makes my brain think and connect random stuff), maybe i wasn’t kidding when i said what i said about next year to you a few weeks ago. i’ll have my own apartment by 19, you know…

i’m getting philosophical in my old age, apparently.

thank you both for a positively lovely conversation. i think it brought me back down to earth a little bit. i can’t remember the last time i went that deep with anyone aside from myself. 

now totally sucks, but i think my future is going to be better, and i am reassured that we can all make it happen together, at least for now.

i looked at myself in the mirror, and i hated absolutely everything i saw.

my freckles made me look scarred, my red eyes hurt, and it was like this aching part of my soul was working its way outward through every part of me. i wanted the girl in the mirror to disappear. she was completely unfamiliar to me and i wanted her gone. 

then i realized she was me, and i had no idea what to think. i couldn’t do anything but walk away from that mirror. just a few hours earlier, i’d tried on my prom dress and caught a glimpse of myself in a way that just might’ve made me think i had the potential to be and feel pretty. that disappeared. now i just feel hopeless.

i don’t know what else to say.